History Comes Out of a Hat

The Office

(WARNING: Spoilers Below)

The Office finale poster

It took me a while to get into the American remake of The Office. It’s hard to compare anything to the crushing desperation and awkwardness of the original with Ricky Gervais. When I first started watching the remake I couldn’t help thinking it was cheap slapstick. But as the American version went on it developed its own style, and the length of the show has given it the chance to create far more intricate characters than the original. I would be hard-pressed to pin any themes on the original. It is a beautiful, rambling, themeless slice of depression and self-loathing, to be enjoyed like a shot of particularly nasty liqueur. That’s not the case with the American version. Americans demand a story, but the script-writers here have been surprisingly clever. The story they gave us isn’t the one we expected.

The Office gives the impression it’s about the success of star-crossed love. It isn’t. Let’s start with Pam Beesly and Jim Halpert, the love story that drives the first three seasons. Pam is perpetually engaged to Roy, her inadequate boyfriend, while Jim pines away for her. It’s a beautiful love story. Our two lovers are together physically, but oceans apart emotionally. The tension is riveting, and our reaction when they finally get together is exuberant. It is a long-delayed and much deserved victory for the good guys.

But is it destiny? Was it always going to happen? No. People are fallible, and in the ninth season Jim began to drift away and mistreat Pam as badly as Roy did. My own suspicion is that they only work as a couple when they’re united by adversity. When they’re both drudges at Dunder Mifflin they’re partners in crime. But separate them from their jobs and the love dies. And who steps in? In a stroke of genius, the writers reveal a second Jim who has been pining away for Pam for nine whole years without ever saying a word. We were never even aware he existed, although he was there in every episode — Brian, the boom guy. His passion for Pam is painfully obvious and just as frustrated as Jim’s ever was. Because the world isn’t full of pefect couples — it’s full of replacements.

All of a sudden we’re surrounded by Jims — the victims of frustrated crushes. What Jim and Pam have is not so special, so much so that their exact love story begins to play out again, not just reflected in Brian the sound guy but also in Pete and Erin, Darryl and Val, Michael and Holly, and Kelly and Ryan. Erin’s love story is deliciously similar. She is the receptionist, like Pam was, and is in a relationship with the neglectful Andy. Pete is an office worker who pines away with love for Erin that he can’t express, until Erin comes to her senses and leaves Andy. The other couples follow similar courses, although they do get less screen time. Jim/Pam weren’t the original star-crossed couple, the archetype on which the whole nine-year series was built. In a brilliant cross-over, season seven gave us Michael Scott meeting David Brent, the boss from the U.K. version of The Office. This implies that we’re not really watching a remake — we’re seeing two offices that exist in the same world. If that is the case, then Jim and Pam from Dunder Mifflin are really just retreading the footsteps of Tim and Dawn from Wernham Hogg. They are not even the originals in their own story.

Jim and Pam’s faltering owes its existence to the fact that Steve Carell is no longer on the scene. Carell is a fine actor who did a bang-up job as Michael Scott. But with a movie star like Carell and a narcissistic attention-hog like Scott, he was always going to dominate the show. Carell is too big not to use and Scott is too narcissistic not to make himself the center of attention in every scene. Carell made a difficult but inspired decision to leave when he did, because in his absence the show has blossomed into something far cleverer. It’s like when a big tree falls down in the forest, suddenly all the smaller plants have enough sunlight to grow. The turmoil between Jim and Pam has only been possible because they can have more screen time. Dwight, always the best character of the show, has flourished into a bigger and more brilliant and more bizarre comic creation.

Dwight is actually the gift that keeps on giving. You can color in more and more of Dwight’s background, and like a fractal it only grows. He’s a painting that is never finished, and every new flourish to his character is insane and hilarious. You can put Dwight in absolutely any situation and get instant comedy. Jim, by comparison, was painted into a corner. His relationship with Pam demanded so much screen time that there wasn’t been enough time to let him do anything else. As a result, he is a rather boring character. Yes, he’s funny and in love, which gave him an instant likeability at the start, but nine years later that shtick wore thin. It is no mistake that Rainn Wilson gets top billing (and pride of place in the advertising). If The Office has a protagonist, it’s Dwight Schrute.

As The Office prepared to shut its doors, they pulled out some interesting stops. Aside from the Jim/Pam problems, the documentary itself has finally become part of the show. We always knew the central conceit in The Office was that we were watching a documentary — hence all the looks to camera and talking heads. But then Brian the boom guy crossed over from being behind the camera to being a subject in his own show. Then the documentary was completed and ready to air. It’s been a pleasure to see it unfold because it’s never been given much attention until now. In fact it’s been given so little attention that there are very obviously staged shots that no real fly-on-the-wall crew could have taken (e.g. when a camera appears in a closed elevator that didn’t have a cameraman in it when the doors shut.) It’s the same twist of post-modernism that has allowed Tim and Dawn’s relationship to be mirrored in Jim/Pam and Erin/Pete.

Now that the series has wrapped, the question is how well did they handle the ending? It’s hard to say. For a start I was uncomfortable with how Jim and Pam made up. Their big resolution happened off-camera between episodes, giving us a couple on the verge of breaking up one minute and suddenly happy again the next. This is an unsatisfying turn for something we’ve been following for so long. To make it really mean something, Jim and Pam really had to be dragged across the coals. That never happened, and the perfect vehicle for coal-dragging, Brian the boom guy, was completely forgotten.

Then there’s also the long end of the finale, in which every character gets to say a few poignant words to camera. I can’t help feeling that too much talking spoils the mood. There’s a very handy direct comparison here with the ending of the U.K. Office, which is by contrast almost wordless. The final lines from Tim are ambiguous and the final lines from Brent are waffle, like everything else he’s ever said. Instead those speeches get drowned out by the emotion of the final scene in which Tim and Dawn are reunited to the tune of Yazoo’s “Only You”. The snatches of dialog that we do catch are banal. Life goes on as it always has but, miraculously, something has finally begun to change.

The crushing oppression relieved by a tiny glimmer of light is an experience far more exciting and genuine than the happily-ever-after of the American version. But I can’t let a clunky ending upset nine years of solid programming, no more than I can hold its clunky start against it. In the middle, sandwiched between two slightly ugly book-ends, are nine years’ worth of gems.

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Adventures at the Microsoft Store

A Descent Into Hell

Village of the Damned
Helpful staff down at the Microsoft Store

I’ve met Microsoft employees before at parties. Microsoft is the kicked puppy of the computing world — the company everyone can dump on. But when I meet Microsoft employees I always wonder: who do they mock? It turns out they will spend hours complaining about Oracle, for whatever good it does them considering the general public don’t know the first thing about Oracle. Like an abused child, Microsoft employees have to find someone lower on the food chain to abuse in return. Oracle is Microsoft’s pet cat that turns up half-buried in the backyard with burn injuries while Microsoft strolls by whistling innocently.

But this isn’t about Microsoft’s office employees — this is about the staff who man Microsoft’s new Apple-style stores. I was dragged to the one in San Francisco by a friend and I discovered for myself. Microsoft staff are just as creepy as their damned operating system. Windows is restrictive and interfering, like a helicopter parent, constantly asking and notifying and prompting and confirming. Microsoft must think this is a friendly approach to computing, because it’s obvious they’re training their staff the same way. I would have thought they’d learnt their lesson from Clippy, the annoying paperclip which used to pop up with unwanted advice for Word users. Apparently not, because Microsoft has populated their stores with human(oid) Clippies — needy, desperate for affection, and thoroughly unwanted.

The stores themselves look all right, if you like that kind of thing — all the sleek and colorful modern design. Of course the company that pioneered that look is Apple, what with their “genius bars” and staff with bright, solid-color t-shirts who are too hip to give you the time of day. Microsoft has ripped off the design of their stores directly from Apple, giving the place a weird echo of somewhere else you didn’t want to be. Walking into a Microsoft store is walking into an alienating copy, like suddenly discovering you have an evil twin that you’re 98% sure is going to kill you and take your place.

But if I thought that Apple employees were cold and unhelpful, I was about to find out that the alternative is worse. Everyone at the Microsoft store is brimming with overeager excitement, as if someone had transplanted a puppy-dog’s brain into a human body. They are SO glad to see you and SO excited by what you’re wearing and SO keen to make sure you have a GREAT DAY. And like locusts, one Microsoft employee turns into two, and three, and then Biblical plagues of them descending upon customers whom they can pick clean and devour to the bone. I couldn’t take two steps without bumping into another human Clippy who had to engage me in a whole conversation. And then I realized — there were no actual customers in the store. The place was packed, but they were all people who worked there, all staring at me expectantly, desperate to meet my gaze, all smiling, all grateful for the opportunity of spending a second in my presence.

I shuddered. My skin didn’t stop crawling until I got the hell out of there. It was like Village of the Damned. I was surrounded by uncanny parodies of human beings. These are the kinds of people who are forced to smile for eight hours a day until they snap and go postal with a semi-automatic weapon. All I can urge you is, don’t be there when it happens. Steer clear of these pile-ups of human wreckage. It’s not a pretty sight.

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Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ending

Indiana Jones movie poster

Indiana Jones might be the worst hero of all time. I adore the movies — what kind of killjoy doesn’t love the non-stop action and over-the-top adventure? People bitched and moaned when Indiana Jones “nuked the fridge” in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but I reveled in it. How can you hold the atomic fridge against him? Ridiculous action sequences are exactly why we fell in love with Indiana Jones in the first place. And yet, there’s something unsettling wrong about the series.

The big issue for me is that there are not actually four Indiana Jones movies. There are only two. Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Last Crusade, and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull are actually the same movie made three different times. Think about how they end. Indiana Jones loses and the bad guys get what they came for, but the thing they came for turns out to be a horribly ironic punishment. The ark kills all the Nazis, the holy grail kills all the Nazis, and the crystal skull kills all the Communists. The only way Jones beats the bad guys in the end is by being just a little bit crap and failing to save the day. He gets saved in each movie by some bit of deus ex machina.

We loved that ending once. We even loved it twice. But I suspect the reason people came away from Crystal Skull feeling let down was not because it was a bad movie, but because they’d seen it two times already. If you’re inclined to let George Lucas get away with this bit of hoodoo, consider the fact that the movies would have ended the exact same way if Indiana Jones had not even been in them. In fact if Jones had let the Nazis have the ark in Raiders, Hitler would have been killed before the Second World War even started. Thanks a bundle, Indy. But this is a big issue. If your protagonist is essentially useless, you have a very serious narrative problem.

Because the other movies are stuck with sucky endings, I have to give credit to The Temple of Doom for being what it is — the second and last new Indiana Jones movie. It is the only one where Jones actually saves the day. The movie ends with him and Mola Ram, the sacrificial priest, dangling over a precipice and fighting over the three magic stones. Jones casts an incantation that makes the stones red hot, sending two of them tumbling into the gorge. Mola Ram attempts to grab the last one, but it burns him and he falls, leaving Indy to snatch up the last stone and return it to its owners. Hooray for Indy! It’s the first and last time he actually beats the bad guys.

The endings aren’t the only thing amiss in the Indiana Jones movies — and I hate to say it, but the bulk of these problems have to be laid at George Lucas’ feet. Lucas loves a comic relief character, but is monumentally crap at doing them. He got away with it once with C-3PO as the much-loved comic relief character from the Star Wars movies. But give C-3PO a lick of fresh paint and suddenly you have Jar Jar Binks, one of the most reviled characters in modern cinema. Nobody could stand just how annoying he was. Give him another lick of paint and you have Willie, the ditzy night-club singer from Temple of Doom. George Lucas, nobody likes your complainy, prissy, slapstick characters. Please stop doing them.

Perhaps more seriously, though, Lucas also has a real problem with racism. Every foreign character in Indiana Jones movies falls into some kind of horrible colonial stereotype, most often being shown as bad guys but also fulfilling the roles of comedy or mystical characters. The French, Germans, and Russians are common bogeys, but we’ve also got Chinese gangsters and devil-worshiping Indians in Temple of Doom, and some generically nasty fez-wearing Middle Eastern types in Last Crusade. The only nice foreigners in these movies are the starving Indian villagers in Temple of Doom, who slot neatly into the role of wise mystics (because all old, white-haired Indian men are wise and mystical), and Jones’ Chinese sidekick Short Round, who only seems to be there because of his comedy accent. The same kinds of accusations were leveled against Lucas over the new Star Wars movies. Read a book on Post-Colonialism, George Lucas. You can’t keep saying this kind of thing.

Much as I dislike Willie and Short Round, the sidekicks in Temple of Doom, they actually count in the narrative’s favor. They might suck as characters, but both Willie and Short Round actually do stuff in this movie, like saving Jones’ life and helping defeat the bad guys. They’re not just window dressing, and Lucas deserves some credit for giving them real things to do. This is the only Indiana Jones movie where the characters influence the outcome, which means that technically it’s the best of the four.

But is Temple of Doom really the best Indiana Jones movie? It’s a tough call. I’m not sure I could even name my own favorite, let alone decide that one movie is better than all the others. Because we don’t watch Indiana Jones for the narrative. God knows, you’d have to be brain-dead to think that any of the movies has any plot. The reason we watch Indiana Jones is because of the action and the adventure. They are fun movies, but that doesn’t mean the fun can stand alone. If it could, people would have loved Crystal Skull. Even if they’re not the main features of a movie, you have to have a foundation of plot and character to support the rest. You might get away with it once or twice, but sooner or later you get stuck in a rut, making the same movie over and over again. Even after a 20-year break Lucas couldn’t come up with a new story for Indiana Jones. He’s playing our favorite song, but he’s been playing it for 30 years now. It’s getting old.

I would never want to retire Indiana Jones because I love the movies so much. But how about we give him something new to do, huh?

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